Behind my anger was vulnerability

8 May 2010 — Aannsha

I don’t know about you but everyone I meet lately is having issues with frustration.  Even those people who spend time on inner work and are usually quite cruisy.  If you’re into astrology, you might see it reflected in astrological events, but I’m not an expert in that field, so I’ll leave more in-depth comments to the professional astrologers.  Astro.com is a good place to start, if you want to learn more about your own chart.

Anyway, there’s one person at the moment who is pushing a lot of my buttons and on the positive side, is revealing in more clarity some of my more pressing (pardon the pun) issues.   My earlier post outlined the beginning of this particular cycle of inner growth and talks about the trap of getting stuck in an emotion.

Well, after a couple of weeks of becoming increasingly angry at what felt like constant unfair criticism of how and what I was doing, but also of me as a person, I realised I couldn’t continue in the same manner without blowing a fuse, storming away or suppressing it and becoming sick (dis-ease describes when we are ill at ease).

If something makes us feel angry it is usually pointing out that we feel powerless in a situation.  If we are receptive to this inner emotion and do not hold any judgment about it, like it’s wrong to feel angry, it’s scary to express anger, then we can act on what it is telling us and do something appropriate to empower ourselves in the situation.  (Notice the word appropriate here!)

Generally, I don’t think blowing a fuse or erupting in anger at another person is helpful in a situation as it doesn’t really help, as the other person will probably react out of anger themselves, or become fearful.  Neither reaction is empowering.  If you’re on your own, quickly dissipating the energy by verbalizing it may work, as long as you truly release it.  Often we can express an emotion but still hold on mentally to the cause and therefore not really resolve anything with the outburst.

Storming away can sometimes be the right move, if it’s used in a “time out” way.  “I really need some time out here – I’m feeling very strongly about this,” could be a way of expressing yourself while you walk away and calm down.  But storming out and shouting “That’s it, I quit!”, wouldn’t necessarily be useful if you walked out of a job into unemployment with a mortgage and lots of bills to pay and a couple of starving kids waiting for dinner.

Suppressing an emotion isn’t healthy either. Often people who don’t like conflict, or the thought of hurting someone will do this.  But suppressing an emotion and carrying it around as baggage isn’t good for long-term health.  Carrying around anger for example is a cause of dis-ease and is not recommended for long periods.  Emotions, by their nature, are energy in motion (e-motion) and when we are in balanced and centred and do not carry any judgments or unresolved issues about a situation, we can allow emotions to flow through us.

But in those moments when our buttons are pressed, well that’s a sure sign we’re holding a judgment about the situation, or ourselves, or how the other person, or taking it too personally – or we are holding onto an unresolved emotional issue from the past that is being triggered.

What to do?  I use a several-pronged approach.

  1. I resolve to express myself differently.  In the case of anger, I hold on to this emotion when I’m afraid to express myself in the situation because of a disempowering belief I either have of myself or I’m afraid of the consequences and what will happen to me.  It’s something I learned as I was growing up and an emotion I personally find hard to address.  We’ve all got different emotions we’re uncomfy with, anger is one of mine.  Rather than express anger at a (projected) authority figure by expressing my own displeasure, I will often remain silent and then resentment and anger can build up. So deciding that next time I will express myself appropriately, such as saying, “When you say that, it makes me feel really useless.”  This doesn’t guarantee any change in the situation, but it is at least giving myself permission to express myself in a way that’s non threatening and lets the other person know how I’m feeling.  How will they change their behaviour if they don’t know it’s affecting someone else.  (Of course it’s also a possibility that they may never change their behaviour!)
  2. I try not to take it personally. I remind myself that often what’s being said is more about where the other person is coming from, rather than a statement about me.  Not taking it personally is easier said than done, especially if one is looking to the other person for approval, or feels bad if the other person is not happy.  Often empathic people are sensitive to other people’s ‘stuff’ and are more easily caught up in the other person’s ‘dramas’.  Remembering that we are not responsible for the other person’s emotions is helpful.
  3. When I have time to myself, I take a moment to centre myself, connect with the All That Is, God, Higher Power, Higher Self, whatever you call that all-encompassing energy that surrounds us and fills us.  I also send my energy down to the earth, to get a sense of support from the planet that provides me with my home and food.  Then I feel the anger (or other emotion/s) in my body, imagine I’m lifting it up through me with my hands and up out of my head and mentally give it away to the All That Is.  I know when I’ve really released this, because I often do a little shake like a dog shaking water off its back.  Within moments, there is a shift in my emotional clarity and I often have difficulty remembering what the problem was all about (which to me is a sign I’ve really let it go).
  4. I remember what the emotion was telling me.  For instance, in the workplace, anger might be showing me that I felt powerless to escape the situation because I couldn’t see another way to earn money.  How could I use that feedback to empower myself? I could look within myself at my talents and abilities and find another way to earn extra money.  Following through on that might be enough to gain a sense of empowerment, knowing I was not as ‘useless’ as I was being ‘made’ to feel.  Alternatively, it might provide an extra or alternative source of income, with somewhere to go if the situation didn’t resolve itself in any great way.
  5. Next time I am with the same person, I choose to go into the situation with a blank mind.  Not dumb and vacant.  Blank.  In other words, I choose not to think, “Oh this person’s  going to make me feel bad again”, because that will immediately switch on my defences and I may inadvertently make the same thing happen by my own actions or words.  In other words, if I go in thinking the person’s going to bully me again, I am likely to unconsciously portray victim behaviour and actually cause a repeat scenario.  If I can’t actually envision a positive outcome to the situation, I do my best to go into it with at least a blank mind, which means that I resolve not to imagine a bad outcome, another argument, or whatever happened before.  I choose to keep my mind focused on what’s in front of my nose at the time.  And continue to do so when I’m in the situation.  While it is difficult to do, I work hard to keep my thoughts focused on the present moment.  The Right Here, Right Now Moment.

So, going back to my example recently, I released my anger and decided to meet the next day with an open mind.  The next morning when I awoke, I actually felt sick with fear.  Interesting.  Anger was replaced by fear.  So I went through the releasing, and chose to remain focused on the here and now.  Throughout that day, I kept feeling fearful and very open.  I felt vulnerable.  It was difficult to operate with such strong emotions flooding me, but I did my best to remain centred.  Interestingly things I touched kept going wrong and this fuelled the other person’s criticism more.  But I was determined not to rise to anger because I felt powerless.  Instead, I remained with that open feeling of vulnerability.  When confronted with my inability to function, I merely said, without a trace of anger or pride, “funnily enough everywhere else, people come to me to fix things.  Here lately, I seem to be always in the wrong.”

What I did there was remain in my centre, stayed with how I was feeling and expressed myself honestly.  While near to tears at my own vulnerability I had walked through a fear barrier.  The one that had caused me to feel angry for so long before.  Anger had been my way of protecting myself from feeling vulnerable.  That state that we all feel so often as children and yet harden to as we grow older.  Yet vulnerability goes hand in hand with an open-hearted embrace on life and is closest to expressing our soul nature.

What happened when I expressed myself that day?  Strangely, those words spoken so quietly, were heard and after that, while I was still requested to do things differently, I was requested rather than told, and requested with an explanation rather than a harsh cutting comment on my uselessness.

The other thing that happened was I had an idea to sell some of my creative products.  So out of that difficult ongoing scenario came a determination to find more of my own power by tapping into my creativity and following something that gives me a real feeling of joy and fulfillment.  So even though the situation I find myself in daily is not always ideal (and let’s face it we’re all human, so what is ideal anyway?), it is giving me the impetus to grow beyond my original frustration as mentioned in my earlier post.  To fulfill more of my potential and in that way walk taller, with quiet gratitude, rather than anger.

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Frustration is a sign I need to grow

13 April 2010 — Aannsha

I’ve learned over the years that frustration is a sign that we need to allow ourselves to grow beyond the limitations we’ve placed upon ourselves.

Its easy to get stuck in frustration or other difficult emotions and project blame onto the outside world. “Its his fault I feel like this”, “If I had more money…”, “Its the government’s fault” … but at the end of the day, happiness starts on the inside.

When frustration threatens to spoil my day, after I’ve wallowed in it for a while – I remember that I’m a conscious inner transformer.  I remember that emotions are like a compass. They show me what’s working or not working for me.

Frustration reminds me that I am perhaps not growing as an individual. Perhaps I wish to expand in some direction in my life, but a fear, self-doubt or lack of direction, is keeping me from taking the next step.

Sometimes I try to expand based on where I’m ‘at’.  This can sometimes lead me in the wrong direction as where I’m ‘at’ might also be accompanied by a limited perspective on life.  If I’ve been identifying with a part of me that is not my authentic Self, and I try to make a decision from that place, I will only end up in another unfulfilled place.  The best thing I can do at this point is to spend time with myself – meditate, let go of any frustration or other emotion that comes up and get closer to my authentic Self, the one that sits quietly within my heart and knows.

Transforming one’s life just by changing one’s clothes, or jumping from one job to another without doing any inner work first will most likely lead to more frustration.  The only lasting solution, and one that will place one on a road of greater fulfillment is one that is in line with one’s true inner nature.  That cannot be found  outside oneself.  But has to be uncovered within – beneath the layers of programming, limiting belief systems, judgments and unresolved emotions.  It is an ongoing journey of discovery.  One that requires regular inner work.  But its worth it.

I may feel frustrated at the moment, but its because I am ready to grow.  Growth may mean that I have to step out of my comfort zone(s).  I may have to face some inner fears, or let some old beliefs go.  All of these things require courage, but I know that once I get started on this new chapter or adventure in my life’s journey, I’ll pick up momentum and eventually with perseverance, break through this boundary I’m pushing up against and be on track with my authentic Self again.  And what today might feel like a frustrating inner prison, will give way to a feeling of expanded freedom, as I express my authentic Self in a more encompassing way.

That’s one way inner transformation can manifest itself.

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Releasing strong emotions

1 February 2010 — Aannsha

I’ve found the best way to deal with strong emotions – and really, it doesn’t matter if they are old emotions being released or from something you’re experiencing as a result of present circumstances, (they’re all felt in your body, here/now) – is to let them go.  In this post, I’ll describe the process that works well for me and others I know.

Emotional release: easier said than done maybe, but a process that in itself is simple, and yet deeply healing and ultimately, profoundly liberating.  If practised on an ongoing basis as strong emotions come up, either as a result of life’s daily living or as a result of a spiritual practice such as meditation or toning, this can go a long way to helping you release long held limitations and feel a great sense of inner peace and freedom.

(1) stop avoiding them and take your projection away from Out There (another person or situation) back to In Here (yourself),

(2) acknowledge them and truly feel them – in your body,

(3) release any judgments you have about them or yourself, (“anger’s bad”, “I’m useless”) and

(4) choose to release the emotions to your higher self, your divine self, god – whatever you call the benevolent highest consciousness that you are connected to, and which a lot of people imagine above them.

(5) if you find it hard to release them – ask for the willingness to release them.

(6) if you can, spend some time breathing gently but deeply, and place your awareness into your body, allowing yourself to feel a sense of being nurtured.  You, connected to a greater sense of self – are doing the nurturing and you – that is consciously experiencing this process – are receiving the nurturing.

I like to do some deep breathing before, during and after this exercise.  Deep breathing right down into my belly, as if I’m blowing my belly up like a balloon with each inhale, and letting it deflate with each exhale.  It really helps me to stay connected to my body as I have a tendency to become ungrounded.  And it keeps me remain connected to the emotional state, as this is important in the releasing process.

Sometimes I imagine roots growing down through my feet into the earth, and the earth holding me in a nurturing embrace, like a mother who is comforting a child.

Obviously this isn’t something you can necessarily do if you’re at work or in a situation with other people who won’t understand or support what you’re doing.  If you can, excuse yourself, or take time out to the bathroom or some place you can feel private enough to deal with this.  If you can’t, try to hold on to this, so you can deal with it when you are in a more conducive environment/time.

Other times you may find that it’s simply a matter of breathing through the emotion, knowing that its just a bubble coming up from the past – and then release it mentally to the universe, or higher consciousness.

During these times of release, it is so important to nurture yourself.  Most of us who stuff down our emotions are unnecessarily hard on ourselves anyway, or think we have to be or ‘perform’ or appear in a certain way.  But the truth is, we are what we are and that includes feeling a whole range of, sometimes conflicting, emotions.  None of them are good and bad, we have simply learned to judge some of them as such.

This work can leave us feeling vulnerable, like little children.  I’m sure its because in truth, there is a child within each of us, as well as a warrior, mother, lover, friend … a whole range of aspects that we as incredible beings can embrace if we give ourselves permission.

In this way we find ourselves coming back to a state of true wholeness and inner freedom.

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